Myths and Legends - Page 2

The following are a series of short stories that have humoured me somewhat. (I MAY have embellished them slightly...but not very much!!) If you have something similar to tell, why not let me know....It should be noted that I cannot vouch for the accuracy of these stories, I am only going by what I was told; My thought was why let a true story get in the way of a good rumour!

The Welshman, Cornishman & an Arm Chair

This tale happened on C Squadron tank park in Paderborn. It was a Friday afternoon just before work would be finished for the weekend. As the story unfolded it was to be the scene of what could be the most courageous acts of loyalty carried out by a Squadron Barman........ever! Names have been not been changed to protect everybody from any legal action...!!

The Squadron were still in post exercise mode, cleaning, counting and folding things etc. Clearing out one of the bins the one Welshman in the Squadron...lets call him Dai for sake of argument, found an unused Thunderflash. With a flawless record and a reputation for doing things by the book normally Dai would have done the right thing and handed it straight into the SSM. The SSM would have put it in his desk drawer, only for somebody less honourable to steal it. Thunderflashes it must be understood are bloody dangerous things, in fact so dangerous that now they are banned from use! They were used as a training replacement for grenades, and for the age old trick of firing tin helmets / bowls etc quite a good distance in to the air. For those that didn't know this one, it was publicised in an excellent training film called "The Stupidity Factor", an army video which contained a whole host of other great things to do on a wet afternoon on exercise. Ex C Squadron readers may recall the night when Glenn Ruby would stub his cigarette out in an ashtray which was full of a Thunderflashs contents and WWHHOOOSSSSHHHH and did he about smoking being bad for your health!

Back to C Squadron tank park and Dai decided to carry out a scientific experiment on the pressure created in a confined space by an exploding Thunderflash. The confined space to be used would be a Chieftain tool bin (square one Left & right front) and to ensure the lid didn't come undone a small hairy Cornishman, (let us call him Trevor Bailey), would stand on it. The Thunderflash was lit and thrown into tool bin. The bin lid clasps were locked down, and the black rubber plungers that allowed water to drain out were tapped in with a hammer. Trevor stood on the bin....foolishly smiling!!

It took a few seconds for the Thunderflash fuse to burn and then with a f*****g loud BOOOOOMMM,and a bloody great big flash and cloud of smoke it exploded! Trev disappeared upwards into the hanger rafters....quickly and was now not smiling!! Having hit his head on a large wooden beam he seemed to hover for a short while and then crashed back to earth alongside the tank. Meanwhile everybody else were trying to miss the two black plungers that were flying around the hangars bouncing of anything that they hit, picking up speed along the way. With a scream, an innocent bystander from 11 Troop collapsed after one finally hit him in the forehead!

It was like a scene from the panto 'Aladdin', as everybody went oooooooh ahhhhhhhh as the disaster unfurled before their eyes. After initially being rather shocked and realising that this could develop arms and legs in terms of disciplinary action, Dai decided that the experiment was a disaster and after briefly enquiring if Trev was okay ran home leaving the the remainder of the Troop to pick up the pieces..literally!

Trev was helped back to the Squadron block and to his room. He was an important person as not only was a valued Tank park soldier he was also the Squadron barman. It was of vital importance that he was able to open the Squadron bar all cost and this point was made rather forcibly!

It was that evening and for the remainder of the weekend that the most honourable act of devotion was noted as he worked and hobbled around the bar without too much complaint...daft bugger!

On Monday morning Trev finally succumbed to the pain and asked some comrades to get him to the Medical Centre, in time for sick parade. He was helped into Barrack Dress (for some unknown reason you had to wear Barrack Dress to go sick?) and during the process of trying to get his army green socks on it was noticed that his ankles were similar in size to an elephants!

He couldn't walk so an old armchair with only 3 castor wheels on it was found. Placing him in it, he was pushed down the cobbled road of the Camp to the Medical Centre. Trev tried very hard to keep his feet off the cobbles but he couldn't do it all the way so his feet dragged a bit no doubt causing more damage! At this stage, after one or two odd stares from anybody that witnessed this sight his 'helpers' now also fearing disciplinary action left him outside the Medical Centre, rang the bell and ran away, knowing full well, (rather hoping!)he would be cared for by those slightly more qualified to do so!

After a quick inspection by the Medical Officer he was moved to BMH Rinteln for further treatment which included X-rays!! It was there that the only recorded interrogation (in peacetime) to a member of 3 RTR was officially documented. Trev was wheeled (4 this time!) into a room, lit only by a small table lamp, which was shone on his face by a man wearing a white coat. The white coat man was a leading expert in blast injuries, and for hours the small hairy Cornishman denied that he had been blown up and had in fact fallen off the turret of a tank and landed badly, eventually the white coat man lit up the X-ray panel to reveal an image of a elephant back legs with shattered bones, the classic blast injuries of an elephant caught in a minefield. "In the name of Greek Buggery please explain this" screamed white coat man..."and no Elephant jokes!".

"Why do elephants wear red toe nail polish? replied Trev. "I SAID NO ELEPHANT JOKES!!" barked the very irate Medical Officer...."It is not a elephant joke its a Polish one!!!!" replied Trev as he was wheeled out to be discharged back to Barker Barracks, where that night of course he was...behind the Squadron bar!!!

It does What it says on the Tin!

This story is going to get me in trouble! It is a true(ish) tale and as it just so happens, completely by luck some of the words I have used just happen to be Nolan Sister song titles. I have highlighted these in Green along with the year of release! Pseudonyms have been used throughout less the Nolan Sisters themselves. Any resemblance to anybody alive or in fact dead is purely by chance!

It was late on a Friday night and Mouse and Bernadette had dried each other off, after their session of synchronised swimming and were now snuggled up to each other in bed, well not exactly but he did have a copy of the Nolan Sister's monthly Fanzine.."I'm In The Mood For Dancing" (1974).

He had received it that morning and it had come in handy twice at NAAFI break and thrice more at lunchtime, where instead of going to the cookhouse he had managed to get somebody to bring him a sandwich. He was now debating a marathon session over the Things to do whilst listening to the Nolan's section on page 7! Of course in the background, the song Love Bandit (1980) was playing on his record player!

The Nolans

The Nolan Sisters Perform in the NAAFI in Paderborn

Pondering his life and wishing that Berni Nolan or at worse case error Terry(well he must have been related!) would come through the door dressed in not alot, he decided that he really ought to pursue his instincts. He had noted that 'Janet the Planet' and 'Paula the Trawler', the two living in NAAFI Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (1984) who lived above the NAAFI in Barker Barracks seemed quite keen to him, in fact he had recently detected a little Chemistry (1981). They had allowed him to purchase a new pair of moccasins only that very morning and they both complimented him on how nice they looked, bringing out the Colour(ful Nolans) (1992-Megamix CD) of his washed out red PT vest nicely in fact they told him that he was Dressed To Kill (1983). He told them that he always dressed like this. They replied "Do you?". Mouse looked at them in horror, " But I Do" (1974) he retorted!

After days of deliberation, he thought to himself Gotta Pull Myself Together (1980). He had recently ordered from a copy of one of the many 'Jazz' Magazines that he subscribed to a pot of Help You Get Up (1984- Live in Japan!) cream which hopefully would do what it said it did on the tin! If the manufacturer's boast of 'Many hours of pleasure to be had for you and your partner...and the remainder of the street if required ' was true he would have a wonderful time, although due to his poor eyesight caused by years of self abuse, he failed to note the CAUTION: USE SPARINGLY AS IT CAN CAUSE A TIDAL WAVE (1991) OF EMOTION. I am not too sure what this meant, and nor was Mouse!

Enjoying some more pillow talk with 'Bernie', he finally decided it was now or never. He opened the tub, shoved his fingers in, scooped out a big dollop, threw away the instructions, closed his eyes, kissed Bernadette and slapped the cream over his thingy and gently rubbed it in. After a short time, and a slight warming sensation things perked up and without really trying his thingy was standing proud. He whistled the opening bars of Attention To Me (1981). After at least 5 minutes it was still standing proud, a totally new experience for Mouse as normally after a couple of minutes it usually came Crashing Down (1981). Surely they would be shouting "Don't Love Me Too Hard" (1981) from the top of the NAAFI, especially when he would play a little Sexy Music (1981) and get them to Take Me All (1991), it might even be a case of Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue!!!(1978)

The following morning, after a somewhat uncomfortable night and a bit of a Love Transformation (1977) Mouse watched from his window as a small group of lads were walking to the cookhouse for brunch. The Rain (1976) was falling, but he still stuck his head out of window and asked them to bring him back a sandwich which was always good for the Spirit, Body and Soul (1979)! Oh how he wished the weather would change, all he needed was for it to Make A Little Sunshine Shine (1975). The puddles played havoc with his choice of footwear you see!

Later, the same thing happened as people made their way for evening scoff! Sunday and it was the same routine. Mouse you see was too embarrassed to leave his room as he was unable to hide the fact that his thingy just would not was like the erection cream had totally taken over...God how he wished he could get to the NAFFI un seen, surely Janet and Paula would help!!

Early that afternoon, a fellow single living in member, (lets call him Dave Lomarks) of the same Squadron was in his room when there was a pathetic knock on the door. On opening it, he was confronted by Mouse in his normal attire, green tracksuit complete with moccasins and a washed out red ....nearly pink T shirt! "Thanks For Calling" (1975) says Dave. 'Please help me I haven't slept for days and days' he said, 'In the name of "Mother Earth" (1992)...."Why?" Dave asked...and immediately wished that he had not asked such a daft question!

"Look mate, Don't Make Waves (1980).....but it is because of this" Mouse moaned. Looking down and to his horror, Dave noted Mouse had grown a third leg/babies arm inside his track suit. Dave quickly got him out of his room and into the corridor, where others were to witness this amazing sight. 'What have you done now' they asked. Resigning himself to years of ridicule, he told then that he had accidentally slapped erection cream all over his thingy, his thingy became stiff and the stiffy thingy wouldn't go away!

It certainly did what it said on the tin!!!

Rest and Recuperation

Once again, I have been made aware of this story by somebody else. Its conclusion is a bit of an anti climax and for that I apologise. Nothing would have pleased me more to announce that they rode of into the sunset as happy as larry, instead, I will make that bit up! As you know I am not into the business of naming real names so the following people were involved, Malcolm ' Arthur Three Bums (A3B)' Cleverley, Dave 'Ludge' Lomax and some very large ladies whom we will call Sharon and Tracy. It all happened in Calgary, Alberta.

Calgary, AlbertaRest and Recuperation as it's name suggests was a period where soldiers of the Battlegroup that had just finished exercising at BATUS were able to let off steam. I am pretty sure that most Canadians wished that the Battlegroup were bussed straight to the Airport at ENDEX and flown back to Germany! Calgary, Medicine Hat, Lethbridge and Great Falls in Montana were all favourite R&R locations and where countless similar stories to that I am going to tell occurred. In fact, I will be recalling one of my very own escapades that happened in Medicine Hat involving Steve Jones, Martin Dodds, Simon Ingram, Bob Jacobs, Myself and a Madonna look a like...who looked at least 16!

Anyway back to Calgary, A3B and Ludge were staying at the Tradewinds Motel which was nice and cheap. They asked a taxi driver to take them to a decent night club which he did. After paying a King's ransom in taxi fares they were dropped off at a Hotel that sadly in the mists of time it's name has been forgotten.

Sharon and TracyA3B was going through a phase in his life which can be only compared to that of the Chairman of the Nolan Sisters Fan Club, Paderborn Branch - a drought of females which actually equals blisters on hand. On the other hand (pardon the pun) the 'Ludge' was doing alright. Ludge was a real ladies man with a proven track record back in Germany. The nightclub/disco was empty(ish) as they entered, just a few local girls dressed like Cindi Lauper and a few blokes dressed like cowboys, which considering they were in the Heart of Cowboy land was fair enough. A3B and Ludge ordered some beers and sat down in a booth to check out the 'babes'! It did not take long for A3B to spot a pair of F***ing enormous buttocks, which were at least 4 times larger than his very own ample arrse, gyrating on the dance floor. He was off like a dog with two dicks!

Ludge shook in fear muttering "Ooh my god, please don't". After a few dances with this Fat Slag lookalike A3B invited her and her equally large friend to join him and Ludge in the booth which actually proved to be impossible as they could not squeeze in. A waitress was asked to move the four of them to a table suitable for 10!!!

After placing a number of chairs together they all sat down and ordered drinks. Sharon and Tracy asked for a drink that came in a pitcher that was similar in size to the Champions League Trophy and was full to the brim with what resembled 'sludge'. To finish off the effect there was a umbrella stuck in it...not a decorative cocktail umbrella but a Golfing umbrella! They knocked these drinks back quicker that it takes to Check MRS, burped and promptly ordered two more! A3B seemed not to notice and was still talking to them about a book that he was planning to write, it seemed that both Sharon and Tracy just loved his quaint English accent, which was just as well as he was certainly talking for England!

Unnoticed, a male friend of the girls who just happened to be Chinese joined them. He announced his arrival with a mighty "HURROOOW my name is Ben". The girls giggled and then decided that it was time to go to the toilets to powder their pitted noses.

A3B at this stage was not stuck for anybody to talk to as Ben had moved to sit himself closely to his right hand side. Ben seemed to like chatting to A3B and started to move closer and closer, using the loud music as an excuse to do so. Sharon and Tracy returned and resumed their position on the groaning chairs and continued their efforts to empty the cellar of alcohol. Resuming their conversation, this time with Ludge they told him that they were glad that A3B had such an open mind when it came to befriending Ben who had recently 'came out'!

Ludge was now faced with a dilemma. Should he warn A3B about 'Bent' Ben or leave him unaware. True to form, he decided that he would not say a word. Some time later when it was time to leave a large taxi was ordered. The girls and Bent Ben were all on for a seeing to it seemed as they were all too keen to accompany the boys back to the Tradewinds! Meanwhile Ludge was very frightened. They all got into the taxi which developed into a real drama as the girls and Bent Ben all wanted to sit on A3B s lap. After a bit of a bun fight it was sorted, a larger Taxi was needed and subsequently was ordered. It arrived and everybody got in. Even though this was a ten seater it was a struggle. No sooner had the first cent been registered on the meter, then the girls and Bent Ben started to fondle A3B and also to his dismay, Ludge. It did not become a rutting as the rumour would have it but more a fight for survival. The girls with a combined weight similar to that of a Bull Elephant ( no Polish Jokes allowed!) were too much for Ludge, A3B and Bent Ben who they knocked out by breathing on him.

A3B resigned himself to what ever was coming, but Ludge was having none of it. Even though he was in danger of suffocating under the many layers of blubber that was now on view, he was fighting for his life. He managed to escape by announcing that he needed to be sick, which actually was true! None too quickly the car was evacuated, and Ludge escaped back to the Tradewinds. A3B, well nothing more is known about that night and quite rightly so (what happens on tour stays on tour, (A3B if you would like to create a cartoon protesting your innocence please do no charge of course!).

It cannot have been all bad as both Ludge and A3B were invited to a BBQ at Tracy's house the next day. The BBQ as can be imagined was huge. The girls were eating anything and everything in sight, they were not even perturbed when A3B dropped his guts at an inappropriate time but simply carried on eating a side of beef! A3B was in the corner of the yard telling Tracy's Dad how he was going to design a range of clothing for soldiers of the Royal Tank Regiment to wear!

As all of this was going on, Bent Ben was ogling A3B's huge bottom and kinda of wishing that he could have a chunk of it. Some 3 hours passed, the girls had eaten at least a medium sized herd of buffalo meat (remembering that medium in Alberta is Fcuking huge here!), and were still hankering after a sweet. Bent Ben was all glazy eyed after sipping a glass of punch, and Tracy's Dad had finally fallen asleep after hearing about the black print on olive cloth Combat Tech Storeman T Shirt, the one with the logo on the back saying 'if you can read this you are the wrong side of the counter and are now officially a dead twattttttt!'

Noting that it would be safe to escape, Ludge whispered to A3B its time to go. A3B replied "No way..not until he has bought at least one RTR cup and an A3 print of a Canadian Centurion MBT in Winter conditions...and I have had a grope with me new chick!". At this stage, Ludge decided it was time to tell A3B all about Bent Ben.

  Brokeback Mountain  

With a ear splitting "WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT.....WE ARE OUT OF HERE!!!! A3B ran up the driveway clenching his almighty buttocks very tightly, Ludge was in his wake. Bent Ben who had awoken after A3B's mighty shout was chasing and shouting " MALCY....ARRUR REE BUM.......WHY YOU NO LIKE ME YOU BRERRY IRIOTT....I LOVE YOU....COME TO MY HOUSE AT ROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.......WE CAN HAVE FUN...AND I WILL BUY A RTR REECE........IN PINK ROR YOU...ARRUUUR!!

Arthur clenched his almighty buttocks tighter!