Troop Tests


The Heavy Branch Machine Gun Corps

MK 1






Royal Tank Regiment





Twas an hour before midnight
We’d just moved into a hide
1 minute of waiting
with engines alive

Suddenly it was silent
Except the buzz in your ear
The radios on standby
But the clansman buzz was oh so very clear

Down at the front a piece of paper was passed
The dreaded stag list had come and I hope we were last
5 till 6 the best of the stags
All we want to do is get in our bags

A tap on my knee and some steam rising passed
A nice cup of tea the loader did pass
The driver was up and around our hatches
Waiting eagerly for a book of matches

The metallic clunk of a catch and a hushed swear
The sleeping bags out and mine was only where I would dare.
No need to worry there won't be a fight
The 'T' piece was mine for a fitful sleep tonight

Into the bag I duly slide
Boots and all, I not you kid
Deep in my maggot the heat lovely and hot
But where my nose poked, it certainly was not

Fcuk fcuk fcuk kip I have not
But radio stag could not be forgot
Into the turret on the loader's side
Radios on but not a message on which to decide

Out comes the book and on with the light
Now to get comfy and pass out the night
Were is the flask the loader did fill
Down in the charge bin along with the swill

Only 15 minutes passed and protected from the windy chill
Didn’t stop my shivers from starting to spill
Think of the driver doing his task
Lying down on that cold frosty ferkin grass

Dawn is just starting to break
Look no top cover oh for fcuk sake!
Got the sentry to wake the rest of the Troop
And get the cam nets up, quick to boot

Could hear the cussing as people arose
Poor little fingers about to be froze
The scrapping and scrabbling as cam nets went up
Thank fcuk I’m on radio stag and it ain’t finished yet

Cookers were out and the water was on
Nearly time my stint on stag was gone
A hot steaming cup was passed in the hatch
Along with it came a cold chilling blast

Oh to get motoring and warm up this tank
Another day of taking the enemy in the flank
Two weeks went by on these Troop tests
Better Tankies we would make but now for the best

Back to Padders on that train
In the sidings we must remain
24 hour of swilling the ale
Headaches will be plentiful, when we finally de-rail.